Rant 1 - Slimy, Squishy, Crunchy Things

Where to begin? So many gripes, so little space. Here's an oldy but a goody. Bugs. I hates bugs. Insects, arachnids, worms, slugs, centipedes, millipedes and their disgusting, annoying kin. I mean, take houseflies for instance. Here's an incredibly sophisticated creature, bristling with sensors, omni-directional vision, reflexes that a cat would sell 8 of it's 9 lives for, strength way out of proportion to it's size, and the ability to fly all stuffed into a package the size of a corn kernel. Yet it has absolutely no discernable signs of intelligence whatsoever. How cruel! It's like having a goldfish captaining the starship Enterprise.

They manage to get in even though the window is only open a quarter of an inch yet can the damn thing find it's way out again? Of course not, it only has three brain cells devoted to higher learning and two of those aren't functioning. I could drive a bulldozer into the house and open up a fifty foot hole in the wall but if there was a tiny piece of glass at the bottom the fly would be buzzing up against the bit of glass, completely oblivious to the gargantuan exit hole. "Bzzz. Is this the way out?! Nope. Bzzz. How about this? Nope. Bzzz. Bzzz. Help, I'm trapped behind a tiny piece of glass!" Eventually it will give up on the tiny piece of glass surrounded by the gigantic exit to while away the hours flying about in erratic circles in the middle of the room, no place to go, no brain to get it there.

If there is a God, and I personally don't believe there ever was, then She / He / It either has a wicked sense of humour or is just plain wicked. Although, now that I come to think of it, the idea of a tiny sophisticated being - and I'm referring to the fly here, not a God - with intelligence is rather disturbing. Perhaps this alleged God isn't so wicked after all. No doubt I'll be bombarded by emails from angry entomologists and religious groups now. Or worse, angry religious entomologists.

And then there are spiders. Don't even get me started on those abominations. Sure they're more afraid of me than I am of them, that's why whenever I see one of those hairy little monsters it's always running towards me with a murderous look on it's squidgy face (and I use the word "face" loosely). One day they'll be wielding the rolled up newspaper and we'll be cowering under the couch. We'll all be very sorry then.

They do, at least, have one point in their favour. They keep the insect population down. I'll stick (no pun intended) to growing carnivorous plants, however - they keep both populations down. :-)

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